"I'm not laughing at you; I'm laughing at your pain."

[Monday, May 19, 2003 | 11:27 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Arrogant Worms - Proud to Be Canadian]

It just occurred to me that I only slept 5 hours this day, after a weekend of con-going because my grandmother had to do some sort of weird knocking sound in order to lock the door or something.

>_> I want 5 more hours of sleep back this morning.

Gouhou Drug is addictive. CLAMP is being awfully teasing with Kazhaya and Rikuou, just like Minekura Kazuya's Shiritsu Araiso. Mmm...

[Monday, May 19, 2003 | 11:23 a.m.]
[Theme muzak: FEEL - Shinkirou]

Things AN has inspired in me/taught me:

- eventually, everyone/everything will be a corporate sellout. Nothing is sacred anymore.
- newbies irritate me, but also inspire me to spread the great t00by love of anime/manga around.
- I feel old and experienced, however, I know I am a young upstart in my fledgling years of anime fanhood.
- stalking people isn't that bad. Really. Or so someone said.
- obsession goes far beyond mortal realms and thought. What one thinks is obsession is merely greatly augmented love/lust in comparison with some other people.
- rereading the manga series of YnM, Count Cain, TenniPuri, Bleach, Gouhou Drug, and Shaman King isn't really that ridiculous, especially before exams. Really.
- Masquerade is an otakus' substitution for a Dionysian orgy. Mob mentality, heckling, questionable activities and screaming.
- the world needs the following cosplays/skits:

[Monday, May 19, 2003 | 03:27 a.m.]
[Theme muzak: X - Secret Sorrow]

For all the Riku/Sora or KH fans out there, you need to take a look at this. Or those fond of that tried and true formula of oblivious girlfriend with gay boyfriend screwing his best friend. Everyone else, don't look if you're wary.

Prince of Tennis Musical. Crazy, but cute in that Seigaku uniform way, like how the nickname TenniPuri sounds. Er...is the person playing Ryouma really a guy? He, if he's truly a he, looks even more femme naturally than some Jrockers with tons of makeup and feminine clothes.

Harry Potter fic, A Really Cunning Plan. When Lucius Malfoy watches far too much Blackadder for his own good, which is very good indeed. Spread the love for Rowan Atkinson as a witty dandiacal jerk through the ages!

Some words and phrases about my feelings about Matrix Reloaded: Visual orgasm. Fanboy service. Cliffhanger.

That is all.

[Monday, May 19, 2003 | 02:08 a.m.]
[Theme muzak: Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up]

Forgot to do this completely, don't know why.

Thank you Greg for making my layout for me. [fangirl Japanese] Arigatou gozaimashita! [/fangirl Japanese]

[Monday, May 19, 2003 | 01:54 a.m.]
[Theme muzak: Cirque du Soleil - Ninkou Latora]

I suppose the first thing to write about is Anime North 2003. This was the first time I've been to AN and let's just say it was an enlightening experience and a microcosm of what the world/life can be like, to put it tactfully and equivocally. Excuse the long sentences please; I know my grammar is horrible and I've been writing this report for more than five hours now. Yes, hypocrisy is and always has been here; this time, it's just a bit more obvious.

To put it according to my view, the AN2003 needle wavered between happy to average to boring to highly disappointing to rage-inducing. My mood at AN2003 mostly consisted of the boring to highly disappointing and on rare occasions pointed towards happy and on even more frequent occasions shot straight towards rage/cynicism-inducing, but I kept my temper most of the time even if I was bored out of my mind.

In comparison with CNA2002, CNA had more outrageously happy moments and I was less experienced back then, but it was a good deal more fun than AN2003 perhaps because I met new people, got introduced to the excellency that is cosplaying and cosplayers and actually went with a good deal of people who were very fun. The comparison in itself is disappointing because AN has always been regarded by fans as the better convention, mainly because it's fan-run.

That brings me to my main rant: YTV.

Those bastards, those utter, complete bastards. To be somewhat general, I felt like AN sold out to YTV. Everything had a kid-friendly spin on it or an attempt on it. Jrock had a kid-friendly, scripted, YTV spin on it with Sugar. That incident was so rage-inducing that I cannot speak of it coherently.

Let's take a brief, superficial look at Jrock in comparison with YTV, shall we? YTV is generic, kid/family-friendly programming with an attempt at "wackiness." Jrock is about music with a gothic lolita/grunge/visual kei/indies/bishounen-style/glam rock twist either a mainstream or underground slant to it. Looking at just the mainstream, the bands and people stand out, are not family-friendly and sing/act/behave in certain ways that aren't really appropriate for kids, i.e. crossdressing, guys looking more feminine than most females. Let's take Gackt for example. Gackt is a pervert (or at the very least projects the image of a very sexual man), but a fun pervert who makes fangirls very happy because he does sexy things on stage for posterity's sake and his lyrics are sexy and he says various risque funny things. (Forgive me Gackt fans, I really only know bare generalizations of him.) However, he is not kid-friendly according to YTV's current standards. Neither is dir en grey, X-Japan, or the numerous mainstream or underground bands out there. So why the hell was YTV covering Jrock and disrupting the schedule?

Basically, they're bastardizing/obscuring/ignoring the serious, more mature parts of the anime fandom and the fandoms associated with it and making them seem kid-friendly and juvenile in the eyes of the general population of North America, which is the opposite of what anime fans have been trying to do for a long time now. YTV is presenting a seriously skewed view of the anime fandom and the people who are more hardcore than the usual person who watches DBZ on TV. You may accuse anime fans of being elitist, exclusive and overly critical, but we'd have no problem with making anime more mainstream provided that companies distributing, translating, and selling anime keep the original flavour of the series. It's impossible to please everyone, but at least make it known implicitly and explicitly that it was actually a Japanese show and not American?

There's so many issues anime fans have with the Americanization of anime that I cannot cover them all in this rant about YTV. To put it in rudimentary terms, AN sold out to YTV and YTV attempted to make all of anime look kid-friendly to Canada and got in the way of so many events on Friday and Saturday, which is quite unforgivable, but I will wait until the special on AN comes out in August.

That rant aside, let me proceed to a rather poor chronological account of AN2003. My memory of all three days is blurry, so forgive me please.

Friday: Started out with an optimistic frame of mind. Turned a bit blargh when discovered I would have to skip the Red and White Show to catch Matrix Reloaded with The Gang. Turned even more blargh and bored when discovered there was really nothing to do until the Dealer's Room opened at 5 p.m., so Greg and I meandered for a while. We mostly waited in line for the Dealer's Room to open and it was blargh. The Dealer's Room opened, I went on a manga-buying spree and found the Umbrella Stuios table. Did not expect that, was enormously pleased to find an English Weiss Kreuz doujinshi there (it's rare and it's mine!) and immediately snatched it up. Even more pleased to find they had most of their Anthologies there. Talked to them for a bit and they were extremely cool to talk to, especially when a good deal of the more vocal yaoi fangirls are overly eager and their preferences extend to jumping onto the Heero x Duo bandwagon and asking the Gundam Wing voice actors about the relationship between them. Er, asking the dub actors about the relationship between Duo and Heero? Ok...

Well, I think I should be happy about yaoi becoming more mainstream fangirl-wise, but it seems like they only care about Heero x Duo and Trowa x Quatre. They're newbies, so they haven't really discovered the realm of slightly more obscure yaoi/shounen-ai, i.e. beyond Gundam Wing. Besides, I almost think they just go for H/D and T/Q because there's no truly strong female characters to pair the pilots with.

Relena doesn't count. I'm not filled with terrible homicidal hate for her, but she's irritating, to say the very least. Don't kill her off, but she's dreadfully annoying canonically. Hilde is cool (self-reliant women rock), but she's so marginalized by the end it seems like she's not there anymore. Same goes for Sally.

Enough about my impression of the "yaoi fangirls" at AN. They are a phenomenon both good and bad. Alas, I digress far too much.

The two Umbrella Studios people were very cool and introduced me to less mainstream yaoi manga, which I am now eager to find.

After the Dealer's Room and finding Michelle, I don't remember what we did, but around 7, we went to Eglinton to have dinner with The Gang and did the usual movie/dinner/DDR deal, except I was falling asleep during Matrix Reloaded. Thousands of fans will kill me for that, but yes, I was actually FALLING ASLEEP DURING MATRIX RELOADED. I watched it on Thursday and I had very little sleep the night/morning before.

Highlight of that day: Kisa's Gouhou Drug (Lawful Drug) shirt. *major squee* Absolutely made my day. I was looking in Kisa and Louise's general direction because Louise was painting a sleeveless yellow coat in the side of the lobby and Michelle was talking to Kisa and I saw it, the Gouhou Drug logo on a shirt. I promptly squeed out "Gouhou Drug!" in fangirl fashion and she showed me the back "Daily use of the drug causes poisoning. No. 07". Worst part of that was that she made it herself, so no way that I could buy it. However, I can attempt to make one like that, but instead of the round logo, I think I'll do the leaf design with LAWFUL DRUG and the Japanese kanji because it would sort of look like the sweatshirt Kazahaya is wearing in the colour cover of chapter 6 in Gouhou Drug #2 and to be just a little bit original (not by much though). However, how does make an iron-label and buy a sturdy plain grey sweatshirt with no logos on it at all like Kazahaya's in volume 2? Mage, do you have any suggestions?

Saturday: Infuriating day. Lots of walking around, trying not to spend money, and Greg ranting about the sell-outness of AN. Browsing Artist's Alley, lots of nice stuff that I liked, but...just no Hanna Chen aka Evil Tiger, whose artwork I adore, especially after her site, ess went down. Supporting "starving artists" is something I'd rather do than supporting American anime companies that do a questionable job of translating anime. More wandering around, found Mage, helped her dress in her Yuzuki costume, which was adorable with the yarn wig with the two large plaits. I dropped in on the cosplay photo shoots which were rather haphazard, but I got some decent shots with Greg's digital camera. (Please higher deity which I sort of believe in, do not let Greg's dad delete them, please!) I did some other stuff that I don't remember except going to "The Deeper Meaning of CLAMP" panel, which was quite eye-opening. Some people know CLAMP so well, it's almost frightening the details they know and the sources they cite and I met Ruth there, who was part of the .hack//SIGN cosplay group of CNA2002 and the Samurai Deeper Kyo of AN2003 Sunday. She also did this amazing Eowyn costume and I remember the pictures being passed around the LotR LJs that I read and I found it quite impressive. Then wandered some more, saw Mage's Jrock costume, was suitably impressed by the detail, wandered, got bored, resisted urge to buy schtuff, then waited in line for the Masquerade with Greg. Saw Ruth in line again, went back to place in line, began taking down what people said when they rounded the corner and saw the number of people in the line. The phrase said most often was "Omigod" followed by "Shit." Then we got into the room an hour early, sat down, and discovered I was sitting next to Dana & co., the group of girls I met at CN2002. Destiny/Fates/Karma was nice to me that evening because they are such a cool bunch of people. They read/watch the manga/anime that I'm interested in and it's nice to find more people with the same interests. Plus they draw quite nicely. We talked until the Masquerade opened, which was 30 minutes late, but much better than CNA2002. The cosplay had a few excellent costumes (as I could see from afar), but most of the stuff was average with the semi-redeeming feature of their skits being funny but only on occasion. Stage ninjas were amusing. Poor MC, he got heckled because he mumbled. "ARTICULATE YOUR WORDS!" "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Not as fun as Gordon Rose, who was part of backstage and did some pandering for the fangirls by groping the MC conspicuously on stage. The MC was not amused by our antics much and people were heckling him over the smallest things.

I have one major issue with the MCs of both CNA2002 and AN2003. Why can't either con get an MC that can actually pronouce the names of the anime and characters and the people cosplaying? Is it that impossible? Or it is just a ploy on the con's part to get us to enjoy being critical, rude and riotous hecklers? Hmmm... Anyway, it was fun and letting myself get carried away with the heckling, yelling, and clapping felt good. Dionysian ecstasy feels naaaaiiiisssee. Had to leave right after. Tired and sleepy.

Highlight of that day: Masquerade/meeting up with Dana & co. in karma-like circumstances. YnM shikigami cosplay. Great costumes, funny skit, excllent. Find the script here. Was even funnier on stage. *giggles*

Sunday: Mishmash of stuff, hanging out with Dana & co., bought sketches and manga, played some DDR. Eighth notes feeling smoother now. Dana & co. rock. Dana gave me some pretty sketches (sounds superficial and fake, but they're pretty in that good way, not sugary-pink, fake way) and now I feel a bit guilty not reimbursing her, but I'm definitely lending her my manga. Did some stuff, saw Mage's Setsuna, then wandered some more. Ended day on a blergh note, which isn't as bad as blargh.

Highlight of that day: Finding the Shiritsu Araiso manga, both volumes in Japanese. *squee* [engrish] Minekura Kazuya, I *heart* you! [/engrish] [fangirlism] Kubo-chan! Tokitou-kun! Their love is so pure! *sparkle^3* [/fangirlism] (Quick, what's the integral of that? 0.25sparkle^4...sorry, weak Calculus/fangirl joke. Hell, I'm getting tired and going to die a very painful death one day anyway.)

General observations about AN2003: Need more friends to hang out at a con with to make it more fun. Definitely the friend factor was lacking. AN a corporate sellout. Far too many Yuna and Chii cosplayers yet again, however some Yunas and Chiis were well done. Liked the jrock cosplayers, including the one guy. Huzzah for him! Drooled over Kisa and Louise's stuff again, pity I missed the Shaman King cosply. >_< Major influx of newbie yaoi fangirls who aren't really into yaoi. Yet. Average Masquerade, technical aspects were much MUCH better handled than CNA2002, but the crowd was not as riotous as CNA2002. Some brilliant mind(s) will eventually come up with a way to put the live presentation part of cosplay skits back into con masquerades by ensuring that people can actually be heard on stage by the entire audience without needing to give every single cosplayer a microphone and then the world will come to an end because the purpose of the world will be complete. Will edit post later when I have more.

[Saturday, May 17, 2003 | 02:04 a.m.]
[Theme muzak: Arrogant Worms - Kill the Dog Next Door]

AN today. Tiring, even though we didn't do that much. Missed Red and White Show. Fuck.

Con looking bleaker by the moment. Fuck.

Friendship looking bleaker by the moment. Fuck.

Life looking bleaker by the moment. Fuck.

Nietzsche makes more sense as the seconds tick away. Why won't they go faster?

[Friday, May 16, 2003 | 11:24 a.m.]
[Theme muzak: Gravitation - Glaring Dream]

BOOYAKA! this be greg!!!

[Sunday, May 11, 2003 | 10:44 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice]

Adrien Brody had absolutely no right to look that sexy on SNL last night. He had no right to have hair that looked so damn good and wear those great jeans and be so utterly adorable with the audience, the little prick.

That means I'm smitten with him because he's quietly amusing and looked so very good in those jeans and that hair. Mmmm...Adrien Brody...

Finalizing plans for AN? Exactly who is going, which day, and when? How are you getting there? Please, please comment. Organization will be much easier if you actually tell me something.

[Saturday, May 10, 2003 | 09:10 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: CCD - Peony Pink]

Apparently, I am officially very strange to my teachers because of a story I wrote. I guess they thought being a studious individual in their classes canceled out the palpable air of strangeness around me.

Oh well, I'm leaving soon and normalcy isn't something I'm desperate to prove to people.

Feeling kind of lonely and desperate. It's all slipping away like beads off a string, slow but sure. I'm helping it along without wanting to.

Shit.

On unrelated note: am very excited for Matrix Reloaded. *squee* And AN. *squee^2*

[Friday, May 9, 2003 | 11:03 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Bob Dylan - Stuck in the Middle with You]

opposites

i cannot be found in this haze we call reality
for it is not reality at all
there are the flashes of the dream world beneath
the veneer of whiteshirtsblacksuitssilktiesandblackshoes¹
they cannot hide, nay, will not hide from
the brightharsh reality that forces them into seclusion

Into hiding the dream world has gone,
Into our minds (if you believe in such a thing)
Into our souls (if you believe in such a thing)
Into our bodies (if you believe in such a thing)
And only in inexplicable sleep do we see them
the dream world attempting to speak in brief flashes of graywhiteblack clarity
but failing to communicate with us

are we at fault? or is the dream world too much for us?
or is the dream world not for us?
how would we treat the dream world?
we crawl the earth, taking, raping, pillaging, kiling without thought for the future

Tree hugging, communist pillock!
Fascist pig!
Anarchic, anti-democratic bastard!
War-mongering, money-hoarding robber baron!
Weak-kneed, leftie dope-smoker!
Capitalist swine!

back and forth
backnforth
baknfor
they go side to side like a...very...slow...game...of...pong
immortal will be the enmity
good and evil, right and wrong, truth and lie
mortal will be the issues
they only last until the masses decide otherwise
immortality is humanity's curse
mortality is humanity's blessing
humanity...curse?
humanity...blessing?

Undecided and indecisive.
That is immortal.
Humanity?
That is mortal.

thank ___.

1 - Never Swim Alone, a play by Daniel MacIvor

everything is an opposite of everything. maybe it is it how "reality" works, but maybe it's just all in our minds.

it isn't out there? it isn't in here?

Undecided and indecisive. I am human; I am mortal, but humanity will never make up its mind and nor will I. It is mortal, even though it may believe otherwise.

Thank ___.

[Thursday, May 8, 2003 | 04:20 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Kiroro - Blue Sky]

Did real AP Calc exam. Did I choke? Yes.

I left at least 10 questions blank and I guessed at least half of the questions. Ugh. >_<

Mage, how was your AP Calc exam?

I now have my exam schedule. Four exams and I have Philsophy on May 28, English on the 30th, Economics on the 2nd and Mod West on the 4th. Then I'm finished! XD

Gay penguins. I kid you not.

[Wednesday, May 7, 2003 | 10:04 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Evanescence - My Immortal]

*whines* I want a LJ very badly.

*continues whining*

[Tuesday, May 6, 2003 | 07:35 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Sia vs Different Gear - Drink to Get Drunk]

If it's niceness you're looking for, you won't find it here. If it's sweetness you're looking for, you won't find it here. If surface is all you're looking for, you won't find it here.

If it's honesty you're looking for, you might find it here. If it's bitterness you're looking for, you might find it here. If it's substance you're looking for, you might find it here.

If it's me you're looking for, you ____ find it here.

[Monday, May 5, 2003 | 03:16 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Seatbelts - Rush]

Twisted my ankle last night. Is not looking good at all. Had to stay home today, nearly impossible to navigate home even. Got crutches, which are damned annoying to use, but very helpful, since without them the only I can do is hop.

Foot asleep. Damnit.

Missed "Senior Year Transition to University Day". Don't know if it was helpful or not.

Damnit, missing school is not helping me. >_> Stupid weak ankles.

[Sunday, May 4, 2003 | 05:05 p.m..]
[Theme muzak: Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly]

I'm a few days late, but HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MAGE!

Sorry! I had it written down as Sunday in my agenda, but apparently I was wrong.

Happy...18th birthday? Correct me if I'm wrong. ^_^

[Thursday, May 1, 2003 | 08:48 p.m.]
[Theme muzak: Bonnie Pink - Shine]

I have a cordless mouse. It was on sale. It's responsive, but perhaps just a bit too much. However, it r0xx0r5. Must practise with Minesweeper. Whee! XD

So bloody excited for Anime North. Midorikawa Hikaru! *squee* Ooodles of anime goods! Manga...mmm...yaoi manga. I hope I can pick up the last two issues of KKH. I have to restrain myself in the next two weeks, because I've been spending way too much money lately. Argh.

It's not "Do I really want it?", it's "Do I really need it?"

Mage, Greg, do some exhibitors have a tendency to carry doujinshi at AN? By the way, good luck with those costumes, Mage. You'll finish them in time. ^_^

Manga is my number one priority. Everything can go to hell...except for kitschy and cute things that are utterly useless (like everything isn't?) but can somehow have a purpose devised for them.

Note to self: do not act like a t00b.